I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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