You can't motorboat a personality
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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