i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
