My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
