Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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