Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
