I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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