i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
