Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
