My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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