she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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