dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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