The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Sorry about my life...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
