i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
