Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
