We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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