well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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