Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
