dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
