There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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