You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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