We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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