You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
