Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
So much Jack, so little girl.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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