I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
