dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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