it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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