You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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