theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
