So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Bring me that man meat
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
