my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
