Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
