man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
