Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
