he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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