Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
