Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
