From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
