Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
