how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
