Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
