i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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