Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
