Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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