I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
