Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
