did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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