you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
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