how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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