His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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