I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
