It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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