I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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